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The 101 Best Bad Gardening Jokes

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Looking for a good chuckle while you are out in the garden? Prepare to laugh and groan your way through our collection of the 101 best bad gardening jokes. Don't worry, they are not rude but we are not promising they are funny either. In fact, some of these would would be rejected for Christmas crackers! You have been warned!

  1. My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow
    It was sage advice.

  2. Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?
    He was hearing voices in his shed

  3. I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone
    Then it dawned on me.

  4. So my neighbour sees me kneeling down, busy in my garden and asks what I'm doing
    "I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order"
    "Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"
    "It's right next to the sage"

  5. I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably
    I guess there is mushroom for improvement

  6. My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...
    Personally, I'm on the fence

  7. I have a bird feeder in the garden
    It also works as a cat feeder

  8. How did the millionaire gardener get rich so quick?
    He was running a huge pansy scheme

  9. Why is Incredible Hulk such a good gardener?
    He's got green fingers.

  10. I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens
    I was raking it in

  11. A friend perfected his garden flower beds through a process of trowel and error

  12. Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment
    The plot thickens...

  13. What is the gardener's favourite novel?
    War and Peas

  14. A friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water
    I think he meant well

  15. Why did the gardener quit?
    His celery wasn't high enough

  16. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    Pumpkin pi

  17. A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

  18. What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
    A rash of good luck.

  19. What do you call it when worms take over the world?
    Global Worming

  20. I used to have a job making furniture out of plants
    I'll tell you, it was no bed of roses.

  21. Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a garden?
    Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

  22. I'm making a belt decorated with herbs from my garden
    My friends tell me it's a waist of thyme

  23. I used to be terrified of gardening
    Then I grew a pear

  24. It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof
    It's impeccable

  25. What is brown and runs round the garden?
    A fence

  26. What do you call a homeless snail? A slug

  27. What do you call a tree from another planet?
    A extra-tree-restrial

  28. What do trees drink?
    Root Beer

  29. What do you call two rows of vegetables?
    A duel cabbage way

  30. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
    What's up, bud?!

  31. What do you call a cheerleading herb?
    An encourage mint!

  32. I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre yesterday. It might not have been him though, he had his back to the fuchsia

  33. I put an electric fence around my garden. My neighbour is dead against it

  34. Why couldn't the gardener plant any flowers?
    He hadn't botany!

  35. What do you call a nervous tree?
    A sweaty palm!

  36. What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
    Infant tree

  37. I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants
    But you've probably heard of herbivore

  38. How can you tell when a plant is scared?
    It soils itself

  39. I can cut down a tree just by looking at it
    It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.

  40. Why was the cucumber mad?
    Because it was in a pickle!

  41. My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers...
    oopsie daisy

  42. What part of a plant has the most friends?
    The Bud

  43. What game to herbs play at parties?
    Pass the parsley

  44. What is small, red and whispers?
    A horseradish

  45. Which vegetable is always shivering?
    A chilli

  46. I was really impressed by the gardener I saw the other day.
    He was out standing in his field.

  47. What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?

  48. What did the George Michael say to the gardener?
    Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe.

  49. Why did the cabbage win the race?
    Because it was ahead!

  50. I told my wife that what she is wearing is inappropriate for gardening.
    But she's digging in her heels.

  51. Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and wears red hats.
    It's a little gnome fact.

  52. What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using crop-duster planes?
    A re-seeding airline!

  53. Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.
    I think they are velcrows

  54. Luckily the blade of grass got arrested in the summer
    Because he's about to make bale!

  55. I've been stealing garden ornaments from my next door neighbour...
    Who shall remain Gnomeless

  56. I read a novel about a guy who had a small garden.
    Not much of a plot.

  57. Did you hear about the engineer who liked gardening?
    He was developing latest cutting hedge technology

  58. I tried my best to make a complete herb garden
    But I just couldn't find the thyme.

  59. How do you make leaves fall off of trees?
    You don't - they do it autumn-atically

  60. What was the name of the gardener's favourite TV show?
    Lawn and Order.

  61. Why is grass so dangerous?
    Because it's full of blades.

  62. Sherlock Holmes was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
    "A lemon tree, my dear Watson".

  63. What plant give you the most electricity?
    The currant bush!

  64. What kind of plant is painful?
    A faceplant.

  65. Why do plants use photosynthesis?
    So they can have a light snack

  66. What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?
    A phlebotanist

  67. Why are plants bad cheerleaders?
    Because they're only rooting for themselves.

  68. I got attacked by a plant with leaves that looked like pork.
    It was a ham bush!

  69. Why couldn't the crocodile grow any plants?
    Because he's not a proper gator

  70. My wife said the veg patch had flooded.
    Turns out there was a leek.

  71. What do you call a tree that's stuck on a maths problem?

  72. My gardener takes a really long time to cut the grass.
    It's like he's in slow-mow.

  73. God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
    But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

  74. A flower shop burst into flames...
    It was a florist fire.

  75. I was walking down the street and from a window, a pot of herbs fell on my head...
    I'm alright, it wasn't a big dill

  76. Scientists are using genetics to grow new varieties of herbs
    It has led to some amazing exspearmints.

  77. Leaf blowers are dangerous in battle
    I hear they're leaf-al

  78. Why couldn't the flower ride its bike?
    its petals broke.

  79. What do you get in you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
    Hot cross bunnies.

  80. Why does Elton John not like Iceburg lettuce?
    Because he is more of a Rocket Man.

  81. Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
    That's the harvest part.

  82. What do you call a gardener that has a beard? Hairy Potter

  83. I met a guy who cross-bred insects...
    ...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

  84. Whilst clearing out the garden shed I found a box full of dead batteries.
    I'm giving them away free of charge

  85. What do you call a blue bird who's got run over by a lawn mower?
    Shredded tweet

  86. How do you talk to a bunch of pine trees all at once?
    On a coniference call.

  87. I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...
    ...but then I realised I really shouldn't push my luck.

  88. I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
    I don't know why, but they seem shady.

  89. I tried using Roundup on the 9 weeds in our backyard.
    Now we have 10 weeds.

  90. I had to buy a new lawnmower today.
    My old one wasn't cutting it.

  91. My neighbor just buried £100,000 in his garden.
    ..he wanted to make his soil richer.

  92. What do you call a gardener's bank account?
    A hedge fund

  93. A landscaper's favourite musical genre?

  94. Why should you avoid arguing with a cactus?
    Too many great points.

  95. I accidentally planted some marijuana seeds in my garden.
    It's all gone to pot

  96. What do you get when you chase a rabbit with a garden hose?
    Hare spray.

  97. Elton John has bought the rabbit in his garden a treadmill.
    "It's A Little Fit Bunny."

  98. What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?
    They lived appley ever after.

  99. Why don't pine trees eat salad?
    Because they're coniferous.

  100. What do you call a tree that does martial arts?
    Spruce Lee

  101. Did you hear about the man who was seen naked in his greenhouse?
    He was caught with his plants down

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